Thursday, February 04, 2016
Lily do you remember Diane? I know that you don't like her cause you feel that she is not serious about me and just like the others, she can't stand for me. I am and will be denied by her over and over again. It's a thought and a fact that i have accepted. There are times that i would really break into tears cause i feel rejected and denied by her but what can I do? I like that she is around, she makes me happy, she makes me sane and she keeps me calm. She is really a different woman. She takes most of my time, most of my attention without her giving any hint that she likes me. It's been more than two months now and she haven't said anything. I don't really get her. She makes me happy and sad at the same time. Remember that line? Somehow she is like you and that makes me scared, really scared. I am in love again with someone whom I know that I am not allowed to be with. I already know where this ends, me broken and torn into pieces...
But I am happy and that's all that matters. I will love without hesitation, without expecting anything in return. And if loving her from a far is what she wants, gladly i will surrender. It's not everyday that I will meet someone like her, not everyday that I will feel this kind of love. Not everyday that i will love unconditionally.
Posted at 03:57 pm by soulful_mind6
Monday, November 16, 2015
Lily it's been a long time since my last note here. Life has been rough lately and things have been out of hand. I wasn't faithful to the woman i married or promise to marry one day. Why am i doing this? She turned out to be the woman i am not expecting. She just changed. It's hard to explain but i am hurting. I love her so much that whenever i think of the love i have for her i am hurting.
Then there's this girl - she's everything that is not my partner. I wish she is like her. We fell in love or should i say she fell inlove with me. I love her too, that's what i know. Problem is she has a live-in partner. So here i am again, second best, second choice. There's really no difference having these both ladies, just the same I am not their priority.
Then my heart and my soul always runs back from the time that we are together. Until you have been my safe haven. Until now you are the one. Never was a day i didnt think about you. How things could have been if we are together. How i wish it is still you. You are still the one, everyday, i am holding on to it. They told me i should let go of you to let go of the pain. No, i don't want it, i want to feel the pain cause it's the only thing i have to feel the love i have for you...
Posted at 04:58 pm by soulful_mind6
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
There are moments that i still misses you so much that i cried myself to sleep. I know its not right to feel this way but lily you have always been my safe haven. I tried to be apart from your memories as much as i can but whenever i feel really down, my thoughts run to you and wish that sana ikaw pa rin. Sana mgkasam pa rin tyo. Simpleng buhay pero masaya...
Posted at 05:56 pm by soulful_mind6
Friday, March 06, 2015
I've been thinking about you lately, how are you doing? Are you happy? It seems you are having the time of your life - a perfect life that you been dreaming of. I feel sad today and here i am, wishing again to be back where we were together. Life is simple and perfect back then.
We are having lots of fight lately and at times i don't know if this is still right, to go on. I love her, yes, i do, really love her but why it is so difficult to be with her. Why it is so difficult to love her. We are totally opposite in everything, but i told her that we will fix our indifferences. I thought she will come home for me, she told me before to give her a reason to go home and so i asked her to come home and she said yes, i hold on to that. But as the days come nearer, we always have a fight even in small stuff and it is frustrating. She just thinks differently. Sometimes she reminds me of ex and it scares me. She got this attitude that really bothers me.
Why she needs to make things difficult? I just want her to spend time with me when she comes home cause that's the original plan. I've been kicking my ass of to prepare, the house, the car, even myself. She doesn't like me being big and it makes me really sad at times. The last time we saw each other ang sabi mo 'bakit pwedi naman maging ikaw lang, kung mataba ka, ok lang' buti ka pa. You have loved me simply the way i am. Many times it makes me think that she doesn't like who i am, the way i am. Makes me feel that i wasn't good enough though i know im more than all of her exes. They are all fucked up. They just hurt her and yet she is so addicted to them. I know that, she admitted it. Yes, its hurting me and i feel stupid for accepting it but that is part of loving, accepting all the flaws of the person.
Akala ko uuwi sya for me? But why can't she give me one whole week or 1 day every week or every weekend? Buti pa tropa nya madami sya lakad, madami sya plano. What about us? She leave it to me. Bahala ako mgplano. Sya uuwi lang, ako para na ko tanga di malaman kung paano mgpprepare, then she will just tell me she doesn't like to stay here at my place, what the fuck right? Tapos if it didn't work out bbalik sya ako maiiwan.
Yes, i will be left behind if ever and i don't like that to happen of course, ayoko ng maiwan. Thinking the day that you left, im still hurting, until now, at this very hour, at this very moment, i still remember it clearly and my tears wont dry up. Why do you have to leave? We were happy back then and we were in love.
Ayoko nang maiwan uli...
Posted at 09:16 pm by soulful_mind6
Monday, October 20, 2014
Until this day lily i still remember you. Never was a day that i don't actually. But days that i am really feeling down, days that i am hurting, how i wish you're beside me. How i wish things were the same like before. Well, i am glad that after what happened we still remain friends. Ill be forever grateful for that.
Im just so sad today. I never felt secured about her loving me. You know her, it's sowfi. Lagi ko iniisip yun sinabi mo na wag ko isipin na maghihiwalay kami para d mangyari. Pero kung totoo un bakit nagkahiwalay tayo? Bakit nawala ka? Anyway, bakit kasi di niya ko love ng tapat? Lagi andun un past nya or lagi may bago. Pakiramdam ko minsan ang tanga tanga ko na. Gusto ko n nga lang tumakbo pero pag sinasabi nya na wag ko sya iwan na patawarin ko sya ginagawa ko na naman. Mahal ko ba talaga siya or i am just being stupid?
It really pains me now. I just wanted to be home but i already lost you. Im always this poor lost boy. I wish i can find happiness like yours :'(
Posted at 04:35 pm by soulful_mind6
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
why do i always missed you? bakit ganun? everytime i feel sad because of someone or something i remember you and it made me feel more sad. a sadness that envelops my being and cried myself to sleep...
Posted at 02:51 am by soulful_mind6
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
i chat with an old friend and she told me that she got married i said congrats and that i am happy for her. all is well and i am glad about it. then sabi nya that you got married too. yeah i know i told her. kung ok lang daw ba ako? ok nga lang ba ako? sabi ko i am happy for you but i am not ok. how can i be okay? bakit daw kita pinakawalan? bakit hindi daw kita pinigilan? ano naman ang karapatan ko na humadlang sa happiness mo? pero di ako okay. uulitin ko, hindi ako okay pero wala ako magawa kahit gusto kita pigilan. sabi niya ang sad naman daw ng nangyari sa atin. oh well, simula pa naman eh sad na. simula ng una na ayaw mo ng comitment, simula ng hindi mo maamin sa sarili mo na mahal mo ako, simula ng pinili mo ang pamilya mo, simula ng hindi mo ako kaya ipaglaban, simula ng iwanan mo ako at hanggang sa bago ka ikasal ng sabihin mo sa love story nyo na pareho nyo 'first' ang isat isa. grabe noh? isa pala ako imagination, di pala ako nag exist ano? at simula sa araw na ito, buburahin kita sa alaala ko. hindi kita nakilala at hindi kita kaibigan. simula sa araw na ito susubukan ko...
Posted at 05:50 pm by soulful_mind6
Friday, January 10, 2014
2 days from now and it's my birthday but just like most of my birthday i am loosing myself. nalulungkot na naman ako. alam ko na hindi dapat at wala naman rason but i always feel this emptiness. i always wanted to be home then suddenly i remember lily again. for the nth time, it has always been her but i know that i will never be home with her cause she was home already with someone else. so i guess i have to wait for this person who will make me feel home. i will be 31 in the next few days and i hope something good will happen. like a permanent position that i am waiting for 8 years now. a big break in business or a winning lottery ticket 😛.
i know i have many reasons to be happy for pero gusto ko lang talaga magmukmok. birthday ko naman di ba so dapat spoiled ako. 😔
Posted at 03:19 pm by soulful_mind6
Thursday, January 09, 2014
i realized that you can't be happy all the time and so with the blogs i am going to write here. oh yeah, you can't have it all and as much as i wish i could only write happy memories i know i can't 😥.
i woke up this morning at 1:30 am and this the 3rd time i dreamed about anne. she was always there in my dreams and i hate her. i hate her even more when i am awake. this morning i felt the sadness envelope me amd she starts to fill my mind again but then there is always more painful part of me. then i remembered lily i almost cried that moment but i told myself i can't and i wont. everytime i got hurt by ladies i always remember that lily hurt me even more then i am at peace with myself again. i don't know how it occured or how it existed but i guess the pain that lily caused me is the same pain that calms me. then i can sleep soundly again.
am i addicted to this feeling? i hope not. one thing i know, let the pain remain so no one can ever hurt me the way as much lily did.
Posted at 05:08 pm by soulful_mind6
Friday, January 03, 2014
welcome 2014 🎉🎈i decided that this year i will only record all good memories to my 365days book. since this the 3rd day i will sum up day 1 with a family reunion that goes really well. we only get to see each other every new year and i am glad to see them 😊. so day 2 was yesterday and i feel so blessed that my former work called and i get to report to work today. i am really blessed and happy i can support my father's medication. i did most of my laundy but since i have an asthma attack i wasn't able to finish all my laundry but im still satisfied with my laundry job so i am happy.
i know you might be wondering why i decided to write all the good stuff from now on. okay, ill tell you and i am really hoping (fingers crossed) that this would be the last time i am going to tell you...
so christmas came and i didn't greet lily though she texted me. the last blog i wrote here, i mean it. i hope not to see her for a long time till my heart mends and so new year came and i didn't greet her too. done with it 👍
then i did this craziest and most stupid thing before the year ends 👎. last day of work and i don't know when will i see Anne again, if i will ever see her again. i asked a friend to drive me to her place and i have these pink dozen roses with me and i got myself into trouble buying her coffee and sandwich thinking she has nothing to eat since she only lives in a dormitory. oh yeah, she was 2 days absent cause she is sick and i called her on my way to her place and told me that she was ok and will go home the next day. in short, she lays in bed at her dorm. but to my surprise when we got there the lady guard told us that she left early today. what the fuck!!! 😡
a little honesty would be really appreciated and i will no longer go all the trouble going to her place. she could have told me that she is not there she is fucking her bf or gf or whoever she wants. yeah, i am really disappointed. after all the good things i did to and for her this what i get? fuck her! so from that day i told myself that it will be the last stupid and crazy thing i will do for her. i don't know why or how it came but this girl is really not my type, not at all but then i fell in love with her. risk everything i have for her but she only played my heart. i know she is nice, she has always been nice to me but friends doesn't like her. i should have listened to them 😭. yes, she broke my heart too but that would be the last. i will never give her the chance to hurt me again. never. she greeted me last new year but i did not reply. this is it. done 👍
i welcomed 2014 with a bang and this is the new me. fiercer, bolder, braver, wiser and fearless! and i have more love to give. from this day forth, I LET GO and I LET GOD! ☺️👍
Posted at 08:53 am by soulful_mind6